Motherrng with mental illness is just like mothering without – but different. And worth it.

The day I became a mom I knew my life would never be the same. I was blessed with the most beautiful baby girl. Two and a half years later I was blessed a second time with a son. People said we had the “perfect” family – a girl and boy.

Yes, we were the perfect family.

I struggled as a young mom. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t feel like a failure – being a mom wasn’t natural for me. Or at least it didn’t feel natural.

When I would tell friends that I felt this way they’d say I was crazy because what they observed was the opposite – I was composed, organized, calm and always smiling. I’m sure that is what they saw. I’ve always been good at smiling.

On the inside I was panicked, frustrated, depressed and unsure of every decision – but one thing was certain, the crazy mad love I had for my kids. Even at my lowest moments I would look into their perfect faces and feel such a deep, pure love and know that I would survive.

Even at their youngest ages, my kids had a sixth sense of my struggles – in times of panic, anxiety or even as tears would well up for no reason, my babes would grab my hand, give me a hug or kiss on the cheek. They let me cuddle them as long as I needed to. It was though they were taking care of me. They knew they were my reason.

Definition of Mom: A warrior, a queen, a saint, a testament to the unyielding power of love

While I didn’t feel like mothering was natural to me during those early years, my kids knew that I worked hard at being their mama and would give up my life for them. I loved – LOVE – them.

I see you, mama, fighting against all odds because your children need you. I see you struggle and I see you persevere because there is nothing more powerful than your will to protect your kids. They don’t know it yet, but their mom is a warrior, a queen, a saint, a testament to the unyielding power of love.

Still Mothering with Mental Illness 17 Years Later: The Struggle is STILL Real

Fast forward … I’ve been a mom for over 17 years and my kids are proof that I did ok. I still have that same crazy mad love for my kids and they love me massively too. I am their mosher. Their smother. It’s such an amazing love.

I still live for them. That is my reality. I live for my kids. My boy and girl give me the strength to survive this crazy life. They are my reasons.

My smile.

My ability to laugh.

My desire to be better.

My motivation.

My today.

And most importantly. My tomorrow.

I know there are others that have struggled with not feeling like a natural parent. And I know that there are more moms out there that are here because of their kids. I understand.

And to new moms … none of us are perfect – far from it most days! But please know that the love you have for your children will guide you and give you strength – more strength that you ever think is possible – even on your darkest days.

I recently read an article/letter, To the Suicidal Mama Fighting to Stay Alive for Her Kids, on The Mighty, written by Meghan Hart that spoke to me… but what this article really did was make me realize that being a mom is what I have been best at all these years – I was more natural than I thought.

Being their mom has brought me more happiness than I could ever image. Yes, they are my reason. And they will ALWAYS be my reason.

Erin xo

Meghan’s letter …

Fellow Mama,

I see you lying there in bed, trying to will yourself to get up. I know some part of you might wish you hadn’t woken up this morning – that you could fade away into nothingness because it seems a hell of a lot better than dealing with the demons you fight off daily in your head. I recognize that question in your eyes: “Is this life really worth all the effort?”

And I see the moment when it all rushes back to you, when you remember why you keep fighting. I watch as you summon all your strength to push yourself out of bed because the baby is crying and the preschooler needs breakfast and you know you are needed.

I feel your pain as you hold that precious baby and watch that “big boy” eat breakfast and wonder what you ever did to deserve such a gift and simultaneously hating yourself for ever wanting to disappear. The love you feel wells in equal proportion to your guilt and you can’t decide if your tears are ones of joy and thanksgiving or shame and self-hatred.

I witness you fight through your day, each action a tremendous victory. It’s far from perfect, but it doesn’t matter because you’re there for another day. You show up – whether it’s at work, at home, at school – you show up for another day. You do what you have to do to survive. Sure, the kids will eat pop tarts in the car for dinner and you haven’t showered in four days and you’re living on a diet of drive thru coffee and your kid’s left-overs, but none of that matters because you’re still here. You’re still fighting — despite everything.

I see you, mama, fighting against all odds because your children need you. I see you struggle and I see you persevere because there is nothing more powerful than your will to protect your kids. They don’t know it yet, but their mom is a warrior, a queen, a saint, a testament to the unyielding power of love.

Yes, people may judge you because you haven’t changed your clothes in three days or they hear you crying to yourself in the bathroom stall or they disagree with the way you parent your kids, but I’m here to tell you, none of that matters. It doesn’t matter because you showed up and you loved your kids and that’s enough. Let that be enough.

Sincerely,

A Mama Just Like You

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