UPDATED: 5pm…see below

I miss feeling pretty.

Growing up people said I was pretty. And I guess I was. I cared about my appearance. Regardless of my hair, make-up or clothes, I was confident – and that made me pretty. But as I have gotten older, I see myself completely differently. I am not aging gracefully. My confidence is gone.

But to be clear, my definition of pretty is feeling happy in my skin. Not feeling sad when I get dressed to go out. Not hating every photo taken of me because of the size of my face, the way my clothes fit, the number of wrinkles I see, or how bad my hair looks because it’s thin and greying. It’s looking at myself and not feeling confident.

I buy clothes that hide me. Not that makes me look or feel good. My appearance has become about “getting by”. When did this happen? I used to care about my appearance. I used to look and feel pretty.

…But as my confidence has left me, I look back on when I felt pretty. It was when I was confident, strong and wasn’t afraid of anything. I never allowed my depression and anxiety out. Inside I know I was filled with chaos and fear, but I buried these feelings deep inside. Maybe that was the trick to feeling outwardly good – keep the crazy repressed?

Growing up people said I was pretty. But as I have gotten older, I see myself completely differently. I am not aging gracefully – I have allowed myself to gain weight over the years and never having a skin care or beauty regimen, my skin is showing its age. I have never felt so un-pretty. Any confidence I once displayed, real or not, is gone. Nowhere to be found.

Overweight and wrinkled. I don’t like it.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do about it. I have gone so long without doing all of the things I see other women do to maintain their skin (etc.), style their hair, do their makeup and dress for their body shape/size, that at almost 46, I look in the mirror and feel hopeless. Where do I start?

   I miss feeling pretty. I miss feeling confident.

I have never been high maintenance – my beauty routine consists of a splash of water on the face, air-drying my hair and sometimes a bit of mascara. How do I change this now? Where do I begin?

I think I need a physical and mental make-over. How do I FEEL pretty again?

Why does my appearance matter? Why has it becomes such a source of sadness for me when I never gave it a second thought until I got older? Is it because I’m at “that” age … am I having a middle life crisis about my appearance?

I’m not sure this post makes much sense and it’s a bit random, but it’s honest. And I don’t have an answer to any of this, but if anyone else out there feels the same, let me know. And if anyone has advice on how to get my confidence back (tips, advice, etc), I’m all ears! I really want help!

UPDATE: I just stumbled on a fellow bloggers site where she talks about self-love…I FELT every word she wrote here and it was timely for me obviously as I just posted this a few hours ago. Check out Stef’s blog post on Self Love over on her blog, The Dress Code!