I thought I was self-aware until I wasn’t. But then I was. How I became truly self-aware was a journey that started with realizing that I wasn’t as aware as I thought I had been…

When I was in my early 20s I would write out resolutions on NYE, seal them in an envelope and read them the next year to see if I had stuck to them or if any of my “hopes” came true. Failure and disappointment was the result. Every. Single. Year.

Yet I kept doing this. Definition of insanity, right?

I finally smartened up and stopped this insane ritualistic activity. I stopped even setting goals for myself because I thought that I would only be disappointed when I didn’t achieve them. This continued until my early 40s.

That’s when I really, really smartened up. No for real this time.

It took years of being disappointed in my lack of achievement to see that I was the reason for the darkness that clouded my ability to be successful. I was blocking my achievement, not on purpose, but because I set expectations that were unrealistic!

I had always prided myself on being self-aware, authentic and able to see BS from a mile away – and I wasn’t wrong. But what I have since discovered is that I was only 50% self-aware… AND as a perfectionist to top it all off, I set goals and expectations that were unrealistic and practically killed myself trying to reach them.

I was authentic alright and could spot everyone’s BS – but failed to see my own.

41 was a huge milestone year for me – it was the year I discovered this about myself and set-off on a journey to understand why I was killing myself to strive for things that I didn’t necessarily want and things that were unrealistic at that time in my life. I was sabotaging myself.

Anyone else ever wake-up one day and realize they were sabotaging themselves without being aware?

So sometime in my 41st year, I set off on a journey of self-awareness – like really, really self-aware.

I’ve read a lot. Joined online communities with other women that were going through similar or different (but relatable) experiences, and had hours upon hours on conversations with my husband about who I was, what I want out of the rest of my life, my feelings, how I make people feel, what would truly make me happy…and most importantly, how some of my most cherished relationships were only cherished by me. They were onesided.

Not going to lie, that realization really stung and still does.

Heavy stuff.

But the amount of self-discovery that I have gone through has not only been eye-opening, but educational in a way that I never thought possible. I am truly an expert on me now. Took me my entire life, but I got here.

What I learned on my journey to self-awareness:

Failure happens and that is ok.

It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to fall. And I have learned that it’s ok to feel my depression but not let it take over. Having anxiety and OCD can be all-consuming but when it’s over I know to let it go. All of these things, emotions and experiences shaped me. I’ve learned that I am not as fragile as I once thought I was. I’m strong and I will continue to get up and fight for myself.

I am not responsible for other people’s negativity.

One-sided relationships are toxic. Sadly, I have allowed unhealthy relationships to crush me. Crush me. I allowed these relationships to dictate my worthiness, my happiness, what I feel I deserve, what I want for my life, what I am capable of.

I wasn’t aware enough to know that these feelings were BS created by the insecurities of others.

And, I have allowed certain relationships to reduce my ability to see how smart I am, how accomplished I am, how fricken amazing my life is with or without them.

Things are different now. Self-awareness – real self-awareness – has highlighted how these relationships made me feel horrible about myself. They made and make me really sad. I learned this by allowing them to crush me.

But now I put my feeling before theirs. I won’t allow their issues, negativity and insecurities bring me down. I am strong and say ‘no’. I understand and accept that it is them, and not me.

Today, I am at peace.

Finally, only now (in the last month, literally), knowing that I will no longer beg for love and relationships that are not healthy for me. I am a super awesome person (see that, self-awareness at its finest!) and deserve to be treated like the super awesome person that I am.

Goals are a good thing.

Goals are a good thing, but they need to be fair. Setting unrealistic goals for myself set me up to fail. And yes I got back up, but only to sabotage myself again…and again. Once again, I present to you the definition of insanity.

Goals now feel like a respectful friend that is constantly encouraging me, cheering me on.

My goals are tangible, attainable if I work hard and have been designed to bring me great relief, happiness and feeling of “fuck yeah, I did it!”

And my goals are deliberately created based on a purpose. In 2019 my goals were based on “growth”, and every goal – both personal and professional – was designed to help me grow. I set out six big audacious goals for 2019 and crushed each of them.

Yup, I crushed them without them crushing me. Success.

This year, my goals are focused on COMMITMENT.

All of my goals are focused on commitment… commitment to health, happiness, business success, healthy relationships, learning…

Each morning I wake up and remind myself of my goals and my commitment to both achieving them and to all of the ways that my everyday life contribute to my success.

And each morning I journal what I am grateful for and how my commitment to my goals will shape my day.

Dare I say I finally feel like I am committed to myself? To bettering my mental health, to be happy in my career, to walking away from toxic relationships…

Yes, I dare say it!

This journey has been long but transformative. And I feel happy. Happier than I think I have ever been. I have waited a really long time to feel like this and to say it out loud.

I hope I have inspired you to believe in yourself and your awesomeness. And I hope that if you have set goals for yourself that you commit to crushing them!

Cheers to 2020… and to happiness.